Growing Up in a Cult Without Knowing It

When I think back on my childhood, I realize that some of the experiences I had weren’t just unusual—they were cult-like in ways I didn’t understand at the time. My stepfather was heavily involved in EST and Landmark Forum, self-improvement programs that promised enlightenment and transformation. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what that meant. I knew he attended workshops and may have even been a leader in some. Only in retrospect did I realize that some of his interests were esoteric—books like The Celestine Prophecy sat on our shelves.

My parents were also deeply involved in multi-level marketing programs like Amway, and the home environment often felt like one constant push for performance, growth, or results. As a child, I remember thinking to myself, “Why are they in these cults?” That thought has occasionally come back to haunt me, especially after I later found myself entangled in a cult as well.

But it wasn’t just the programs—it was how my stepfather communicated with me. He spoke in ways that were strangely aggressive and confusing, often leaving me feeling controlled, upset, or in tears. His tone could become sharp, his gaze filled with contempt and judgment, and his body language was intimidating—especially for a young teenager. When I tried to explain my feelings to my mother, she seemed to have no idea what I was talking about, bless her heart.

Recently, in my effort to heal, I researched EST and their teachings and realized that my stepfather’s unique way of talking to people—especially me—was actually a result of his cult programming. Conversations weren’t casual exchanges of thoughts or feelings; in his mind, they were exercises designed to push me toward “aha moments,” to provoke self-examination until I saw things “his way.” I left these interactions feeling tested, evaluated, and unsure of my own judgment or emotional reality. They certainly didn't feel fun or family-like.

While I think he may have derived a sense of control or an ego boost from speaking this way, his communication was ultimately emotionally manipulative and leading. I don’t know anyone else who talks like that. It was so subtly controlling that, if you didn’t recognize the pattern, you just ended up thinking, “What’s wrong with this guy?” But the dysfunction in my home environment and the constant tension actually led me to subtly believe there was something wrong with me.

After leaving the spiritual group I had been in, I had no choice but to live with my parents. Of course, I love my mother and am grateful for my time with her and a roof over my head. However, as I have been going through the process of removing myself from my own cult programming, I began to recognize some troubling aspects of my stepfather’s behavior, though it was hard to put my finger on exactly what felt off. He also revealed that he was involved in the occult—but not in a comforting or open way; it was presented competitively, as if to prove something. I kept noticing how similar he felt to men I had encountered in the New Age movement who had left me traumatized.

As an adult, I generally want to maintain good relationships with my parents, but recently I noticed that his behavior was triggering hallucinations—my mind’s way of protecting me from past trauma. In response, I started to distance myself from him in order to calm my nervous system and safeguard my emotional well-being. It was only by chance, on the way to researching something else entirely, that I saw the name EST and suddenly remembered more from my childhood. My parents are Christian now and have been for quite some time, but as you can see, some of the old cult programming still lingers. My prayers are with my stepfather, that God may help him release what does not serve him or his relationships, and guide him toward greater peace and awareness.

I am now starting to recognize the subtle ways my home environment shaped me—how it blurred boundaries, manipulated emotions, and normalized intense authority. Looking back, I can see how these patterns made me more susceptible to manipulation later in life. The aggressive tactics used by the cult I was in just seemed like home to me. But awareness is powerful. Naming these experiences, understanding their impact, and learning to trust my own perspective has been an essential part of healing and reclaiming my autonomy.

Growing up in a cult doesn’t always look like a dramatic headline story. Sometimes it’s hidden in family dynamics, self-improvement programs your parents participated in, or the pursuit of “growth” through multi-level marketing programs. The effects can be profound, but recognizing them is the first step toward freedom—and toward creating a life defined not by manipulation, but by awareness, choice, and peace. Recognizing these patterns doesn’t erase the past, but it gives me the tools to live differently—and it’s never too late for others to do the same.