Responsibility, Blame, and Forgiveness in Abuse: A Biblical Perspective

Abuse is one of the most painful realities of life, and it becomes even more devastating when it happens within families. Children are meant to be protected, nurtured, and loved, yet many grow up wounded by the very people God entrusted to care for them. Although not always the case, this blog is for those who were drawn to the New Age in order to heal wounds of abuse from their childhood. Here I am offering a biblical perspective, from God, so that you can be grounded in the truth. This is important because the New Age will try to convince you that you deserved it, which does not lead to healing and will only create more torment.

This scenario raises difficult questions: Who bears responsibility in abuse? Is the victim ever to blame? What if the abuser doesn’t recognize their behavior as abusive? What about the parent who stays silent and does nothing to protect? And how does forgiveness fit in?

The Bible does not shy away from these realities. God sees, God cares, and His Word gives us guidance for untangling responsibility, blame, and the path toward healing.

The Responsibility of the Abuser

When a parent abuses a child, they are violating one of God’s most sacred trusts. Scripture commands parents to nurture their children, not crush their spirits:

• “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

• “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)

  
  

Abuse in any form — physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual — stands in direct opposition to God’s design. Jesus gave one of His strongest warnings against harming children:

• “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” (Matthew 18:6)

The abuser is fully responsible before God. No amount of justification, minimization, or shifting blame removes that accountability.

The Innocence of the Victim

Children, or any victim of abuse, are not to blame. Period. Abuse often plants lies of guilt and shame, but the Bible never assigns guilt to the oppressed.

• “Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.” (Psalm 82:3)

  
  

Even when Jesus’ disciples tried to connect suffering with personal sin, He corrected them:

• “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (John 9:3)

  
  

When the disciples tried to assign blame for the man’s suffering, Jesus stopped them. He made it clear that suffering is not always the result of personal sin. This is vital for survivors of abuse. Abuse is not your fault. You are not suffering because you sinned, or because you somehow deserved it. The blame belongs to the abuser. Yet even in the midst of pain, God can bring restoration and display His glory — turning ashes into beauty, wounds into testimony, and brokenness into healing.

After abuse, it’s common to feel guilty, as though somehow you caused it. This is one of Satan’s lies — he wants victims to carry blame for sins they did not commit. For those in the New Age, can you see here the connection to past life readings? The Bible is clear: the fault lies with the abuser, not the child. Recognizing this lie is a step toward freedom, allowing God’s truth to replace the enemy’s deception and begin the work of healing.

When the Abuser Doesn’t See It as Abuse

Many abusers deny or minimize what they’ve done. They may genuinely believe they are “disciplining” or “teaching” while in reality causing deep harm.

The Bible reminds us that God sees beyond self-deception:

• “All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord.” (Proverbs 16:2)

• “By their fruit you will recognize them.” (Matthew 7:16)

  
  

Even if a parent insists they meant no harm, the fruit of their actions tells the truth. If a child grows up in fear, shame, or discouragement, that is real evidence of harm. God does not measure abuse only by intentions — He sees the impact. Survivors can trust their experience, knowing that their pain is valid, and that God sees it clearly. Healing begins when we recognize the fruit for what it is and bring it to God.

The Role of Spiritual Influence

Sometimes, abuse is carried out without full awareness because of spiritual blindness. Scripture teaches that behind human sin there are often darker forces at work:

• “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12)

  
  

This does not excuse abuse. But it explains why a person may persist in destructive patterns without recognizing them. The enemy blinds minds (2 Corinthians 4:4), and generational sin can pass down harmful ways of relating.

Even so, the abuser remains responsible before God. Acknowledging spiritual influence helps victims understand: “This was not my fault. Darkness was at work in them, not in me.”

The Silent Parent Who Fails to Protect

Abuse wounds even more deeply when the other parent does nothing to intervene. Maybe they are afraid of the abuser, in denial, or overwhelmed by their own brokenness. Whatever the reason, their silence leaves the child doubly abandoned.

God’s Word makes clear that failure to protect is not neutral:

• “Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, ‘But we knew nothing about this,’ does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?” (Proverbs 24:11–12)

  
  

The silent parent is accountable for neglecting their God-given duty to defend their child. This betrayal often cuts as deeply as the abuse itself. Yet God promises to receive the forsaken:

• “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” (Psalm 27:10)

  
  

Forgiveness and Boundaries

Forgiveness is central to the Christian life, but it must be understood correctly.

• Forgiveness is releasing vengeance to God: “Do not take revenge… ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

• Forgiveness is not excusing sin, pretending it didn’t happen, or rushing into reconciliation without repentance.

• Forgiveness frees the victim’s heart from hatred, but boundaries are still biblical:“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)

  
  

Reconciliation requires repentance, change, and safety. Without those, forgiveness can be extended in the heart, but relationship may remain distant.

The Command to Honor Parents — When It Feels Confusing

One of the hardest struggles for survivors of parental abuse is the commandment:

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12)

At times, this verse has even been twisted by abusers to silence children or demand blind obedience. But God never intended His command to be used as a weapon.

• Honor does not mean enabling sin. Honoring parents does not require submitting to abuse or pretending it didn’t happen. (Isaiah 5:20)

• Honor does not cancel accountability. Parents are commanded not to provoke or crush their children (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21).

• Honor can take different forms. It may mean caring for parents later in life, or simply refusing to retaliate while keeping healthy boundaries.

• Obedience has limits. Children are to obey parents “in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1). If a parent demands silence or sin, obedience to God comes first (Acts 5:29).

This brings freedom for survivors: honoring parents does not mean covering up abuse or remaining trapped in it. Sometimes the most honoring response is to walk in truth, set Godly boundaries, and refuse to perpetuate cycles of sin.

God’s Justice and Healing

At the heart of all this, we remember: God is always on the side of the abused.

• “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” (Psalm 9:9)

• “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)

Abusers may deny, silence may prevail in families, but nothing escapes God’s sight. His justice will not fail, and His healing is available for every wound.

Handling an Abusive Parent from God’s Perspective

The Bible gives practical guidance for responding to abuse in a God-honoring way:

1. Protect Yourself Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually

   • Set safe boundaries.

   • Seek trusted help from mentors, pastors, counselors, or authorities.

   • Pray for wisdom and safety.

2. Speak Truth in Love Where Possible

   • Communicate honestly if it is safe, but recognize repentance cannot be forced.

   • “Speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)

3. Pray for Your Abuser

   • Praying does not excuse sin but releases your heart from bitterness.

   • “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34)

4. Honor Where It Is Safe and Appropriate

   • Treat parents with dignity without compromising safety or enabling sin.

5. Seek Godly Counsel and Community

   • Surround yourself with mentors, prayer partners, or groups that reflect God’s love and accountability.

6. Trust God’s Justice and Timing

   • “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

7. Focus on Healing and Growth

   • Pursue spiritual, emotional, and physical restoration through prayer, Scripture, counseling, and supportive relationships.

     
     

Conclusion

Abuse in any form is a distortion of God’s design for love and family. The abuser is responsible. The silent parent shares in guilt for failing to protect. The victim is innocent. And God promises to be near to the brokenhearted.

Forgiveness is possible, but it does not erase accountability or remove the need for boundaries. Above all, the God who sees promises refuge, justice, and restoration for the wounded.

“Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” (Psalm 27:10)

A Closing Prayer for Survivors of Abuse

Heavenly Father,

I come to You with a heart that has been wounded, afraid, or burdened by the pain of abuse. You see every tear, every fear, and every moment of discouragement. You know the fruit of my experiences, and You know that the harm was not my fault.

Lord, I ask for Your protection over my body, mind, and spirit. Surround me with Your presence, guard my heart, and give me wisdom to set safe boundaries. Strengthen me to walk in Your truth, to honor You without enabling sin, and to reject the lies of the enemy.

Father, help me to release bitterness, anger, and false guilt into Your hands. Heal the broken places in my soul, and remind me that Your justice is perfect, even when I do not see it. Teach me to forgive in the way You call me to, while keeping my heart safe and my boundaries firm.

Fill me with Your peace, hope, and joy. Restore what has been stolen, turn my suffering into testimony, and help me grow in Your love and grace. Let Your Spirit guide me in every step toward healing, and remind me always that I am Your beloved child, seen, valued, and cherished.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.